I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize
