hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Randomize
