so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
