why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
I could fuck to npr.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize
