I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
