I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
