Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Randomize
