He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
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