i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
life just isnt the same w/o real world cancun
my shit smells like andre
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Randomize
