your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
Randomize
