i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
