I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
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I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
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Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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