somebody snuck up and got me drunk
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
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