Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
