What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
my FASA form asked what i spent the majority of my 08 earnings on, im tempted to put "booze, blow, & blunts"
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
So gin and wine won't be happening again
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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