There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
Randomize
