Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
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