I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
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