At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Randomize
