I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
the crunchwrap supreme is the def leppard of the taco bell menu
which is why it's clearly superior
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Randomize
