my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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