I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
