Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
seeing two hook-ups in tagged in the same picture will send chills down anyone's spine.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
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