Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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