i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
Randomize
