The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
