Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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