going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Randomize
