so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Randomize
