she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Randomize
