this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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