I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
Four minutes until I can fart!
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
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