You smell like a Billy Joel song
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Girls should come with a carfax report
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
Randomize
