pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
I think i morst likely have 95 %patulas for hands and probably i also went to eGypt with so manyfriends. We laids in the sarcaphoguses.
You sound pretty unsure about all of this.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
