dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
