I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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