Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
