It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
Randomize
