You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
