I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
Randomize
