Life is so much better after having sex.
She has an album entitled "my photography", which consists of about 80 different pictures of a tractor that she took on her cell phone. I'm all for freedom of expression, but come on.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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