yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
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i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
Randomize