I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
