if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
Cheyanne in woods. Ducks attacked. My toe is bleeding. We are gpsing our way home on foot. No worries
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Randomize
