anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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