Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
