DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
