Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
Dear god my vagina.
Randomize
