I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
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