Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
Randomize
