I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
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