My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
you traded sex for a burrito?
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
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