I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
i can't believe i never thought of this: farticle man
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize