i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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