last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
