Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Randomize
