I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
I just found puke in my bra..
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
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