dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
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