I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
Randomize
