I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
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