totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
