Donna and I are betting on whether or not you are going to cheat on your boyfriend tonight....I said you wouldnt do it.
You might as well just give her the money now.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
why do cheetos always look like penises
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
