im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
Randomize
