Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
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