I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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