not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
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